


i said to this end, don't hurt your best friend.

by bonrin



Category: Ao no Exorcist | Blue Exorcist
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Fujoshis Don't Touch, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Or Is It?, Unrequited Crush, it's not jsyk but bon doesn't know that, maybe once the manga keeps updating, well somewhat, will i continue this i don't know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-24
Updated: 2018-11-24
Packaged: 2019-08-28 18:20:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16728522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bonrin/pseuds/bonrin
Summary: Emotions are complicated.Or in which Ryuuji is pining hard and he doesn't think it's requited.





	i said to this end, don't hurt your best friend.

**Author's Note:**

> [neon trees - girls and boys in school](neon)
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> fujoshis don't touch

Ryuuji was so _tired._

Feelings were complicated.

The moment he set eyes on Okumura Rin he knew he'd hate this kid. This guy was so stupid, he just fell asleep in class all the time, why was he at the cram school if he couldn't even stay awake? Was he taking any of this seriously?

And then he said he would defeat _Satan._ How was he gonna defeat _Satan himself_ if he couldn't even pay attention in class? And Okumura couldn't do that, that was what _Ryuuji_ was gonna do.

 

 _Our anticipation,_  
_And our bad behavin'._  
_It's like we learned or lesson,_ _  
But conveniently forgot the rules._

 

And _oh,_ he did not expect to become friends with this dude.

He started catching himself staring at Okumura in class. He realized that every time Okumura talked to him his heart skipped a beat, and that maybe he'd like to take out that hair clip (that _Ryuuji_ gave him) and run his hands through that raven hair, and how sometimes he really wanted to just stare into those blue eyes for hours, and how he'd find his thoughts turning around and connecting completely unrelated things with _Okumura Rin._

He wondered why he was so nervous around his friend all the time and why his stomach fluttered and his face went warm and Ryuuji realized it wasn't normal to think about your friends like this.

And _oh, fuck,_ he also did not expect to develop a goddamn _crush._

He _hated_ that Okumura would go and try everything by himself. He was risking his own goddamn life, and Ryuuji wasn't sure he could deal with losing his friend. _His friend._ Just a friend.

The thing is Ryuuji couldn't even deal with the fact that he was gay.

At first he could. He realized it a few months before he got into True Cross, he'd come out to Renzou and Konekomaru and it went fine, and as a matter of fact they came out to him too. Koneko was also gay and Renzou was bi. He was glad he was not only accepted by his two best friends he'd grown up with but that they could also relate.

It was fine until he developed this goddamn _crush._

He hated it, he felt so bad for catching himself glancing at Okumura’s lips and wondering how soft they'd feel against his and he felt bad about thinking _I wish Okumura were here_ when he couldn't sleep in the middle of the night _and he felt bad for being in love._

Internalized homophobia was such a _bitch._ He knew being gay was okay, Buddhism didn't say much about it, but even if it did he'd ignore it if it were negative. He was okay with his best friends being gay, at first he was okay with himself being gay, _so why was it so hard now?_

This wasn't like Ryuuji.

 

 _I don't want you fading,_  
_Acting like you hate me._  
_It's just like all your paper cuts,_ _  
They cut you in the coldest spots._

 

When the fact that Okumura was _Satan’s illegitimate son_ was revealed he felt like his heart was pulled out of his chest and torn apart.

He was mad, not because Okumura was _Satan's son,_ but because he kept burdening this on himself, and every time he caught himself thinking about Okumura in Kyoto he got even madder for it. He was angry at him, he was angry at himself for _still liking him._ He had other things to focus on yet his mind still went _Okumura Rin._

In the middle of the battlefield during the fight with the Impure King when Okumura told Ryuuji he wanted to visit the Kyoto Tower, Ryuuji genuinely didn't understand and when Okumura _laughed_ it was like he fell in love all over again. And Ryuuji laughed too, but due to current circumstances he ignored love because _both of their lives were on the line,_ and while he almost did, _there was no way Ryuuji would tell and Okumura would know how he felt._ So he said something similar.

_He's actually terrified, isn't he?_

 

_“Uh, you okay, Suguro… -san?”_

 

_Ryuuji chuckled._

 

_“Fine. To hell with it. I'll buy into that false bravado of yours._

 

_Because we're friends and all.”_

 

After _Okumura himself_ defeated the Impure King it still lingered in Ryuuji's mind. Even the morning after, and even when they went to visit the Kyoto Tower.

He never said anything though.

After that, a long time passed and Ryuuji felt bad all over again.

A long time passed and when the school festival was coming up Ryuuji thought he'd be able to relax but after Okumura confessed that he liked Moriyama-san Ryuuji remembered life hated him.

Ryuuji ended up being asked out by a girl and declining bluntly while also not outing himself, and the girl ended up crying and some people told him how big of a mistake that was, in his head he came up with the excuse that he was too busy for romance when in reality he couldn't deal with emotions.

Watching Okumura get rejected was somehow worse because even though she wasn't interested and Ryuuji felt better knowing Okumura was still single and he had a chance to ask him out, he still didn't have a chance because _he had a crush on a straight boy and he felt bad seeing his crush feel bad._

He had a lot of mixed feelings seeing both Okumuras dancing with Moriyama-san at the festival but he was mostly focused on _Okumura Rin._

 

_Questions for questions,_

_I've got a question,_

_Would you ever dance with me like that?_

 

At least he looked happy.

And all of a sudden Shima was a spy. Ryuuji didn't think he had ambition for being an exorcist anymore. He impulsively shaved his head after becoming Lightning-Sensei's disciple and the blond streak was gone. Ignoring all regret towards doing it, he tried to move on.

It was hard, though.

Maybe he'd wait a while.

**Author's Note:**

> HAHA FUCK i just finished the blue exorcist anime and caught up with the manga and i love bonrin so much GDJHDKSJKSS
> 
> why am i writing unrequited love i made myself sad.
> 
> my tumblr is [sugurobonryuuji](https://sugurobonryuuji.tumblr.com/!)! please talk to me about aoex lmao


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